Poetry

I know that a few posts ago I kind of railed against poetic words which romanticize death and try to paint the beauty beyond the end, but... at the end of the day, I am still susceptible to beauty, still wooed by poetry.

I follow @atticuspoetry on Instagram and this post just caught my eye: "Let my death be a long and magnificent life" - Atticus

What a beautiful sentiment.

Article: "Will You Stay With Me Until I Die?" (Gottlieb, L. NYT, April 18, 2019)

This article tells the story of a therapist working with a dying patient. The patient eventually asks the author if she'll stay along with her, agree to continue the sessions, until her death.

The author says "Though my instinct was to do what people tend to do when somebody they care about brings up death, which is to deny it completely, I had to remember that I was there to help Julie, not to comfort myself"

She goes on to say "What if I said or did the wrong thing? What if I couldn't handle my own sadness? What if I let her down?"




Physicians, nurses, therapists all have such intimate relationships with their patients/clients. It is remarkable to me that they might still be faced with these same questions. I guess we all have our armour, and we all have varying degrees of how we let empathy steer us in our professional lives.

For those of us whose work may not directly touch death, I'm not sure we'll ever be ready or fully aware of how and when death may dictate our professional interactions. That in itself is very scary.

If a teacher asks those same questions posed in this article 'what if I can't handle my sadness' when dealing with grief in the classroom, what does that look like? If a lawyer wonders 'what if I let her down?' does the grief start to eat away at the empathic professional?

Death imagery

After a week in heels and rigid work clothes, my weekend attire often includes yoga pants. These are my favourites: skulls in a paisley-style, reminiscent of a Mexican 'dia de los muertos' motif. Skulls have been making it big these days. No longer relegated to Halloween, you can easily find skull and crossbones onesies for babies and kids clothing with cutsie-skulls laden with "love, peace, cool, awesome, BFF!" I don't get it. Skulls used to be edgy, and now they are mainstream.


But the key here is that they are only really mainstream acceptable if really not associated with death at all. Pink and frilly, paisley or designed in leopard print... a skull wearing a bow? Adorable and acceptable!

I heard a funny story the other evening from a photographer who often does shoots for the institution I work for. He was hired to do pictures for one of the Faculties, and ended up doing a few featured pictures for each department. The Department of Anthropology decided they would like a student featured along with an artifact. Apparently the student wanted to be featured holding a skull, but it was decided this would not be appropriate. Not appropriate!


So there we have it, society is ok with baby onesies featuring skulls, but academic institutions photographing students and scenes representative of anthropological studies simply cannot include a skull.

Fear of death - what is it really about?

“There are three deaths. The first is when the body ceases to function. The second is when the body is consigned to the grave. The third is that moment, sometime in the future, when your name is spoken for the last time.”
-David M. Eagleman, Sum: Forty Tales from the Afterlives

“I heard you die twice, once when they bury you in the grave, the second time is when the last time that somebody mentions your name. So when I leave here on this earth, did I take more than I gave? Did I look out for other people, or did I do it all for fame?”

-Macklemore, Glorious

"That’s what death is, isn’t it? Forgetting. Being forgotten. If we forget where we have been and what we have done, we’re not men anymore. Just animals."

-Samwell Tarly, Game of Thrones (S8,E2)

Do we fear death simply because the thought of being insignificant is deeply rooted inside each of us? 

Macabre

All too often, people are taken aback when I speak about how necessary I think it is familiarize ourselves with the subject of death. People who do not say the word death, don't want to think about dying, or don't see an obvious connection of death and fundraising often tell me it is a bit macabre. 

The Oxford English Dictionary defines macabre as an adjective describing something as "disturbing because it is concerned with or causing a fear of death".

In legacy fundraising people often joke that they have to help donors see that writing a will does not invite death to come any sooner. This feeling that talking about death in any context is macabre is also completely false.

Sometimes people like to make assumptions. I've had someone tell me that I must like ghost stories, because "I like death" (Point of clarification: I don't "like" death, am not at peace with my own mortality, and do not have any fear conquered. Also, I hate ghost stories, but love to hear impact stories about what people did during their lifetimes). I must also like cemeteries (ok, this one is true, but it is still uncool to assume).

Death is not in itself macabre. Death is a part of life. It is natural. And it is about time we start treating it that way.

What could be

A grief-aware society. What would that look like?

Imagine a world where we gave the benefit of the doubt to everyone we came into contact with. If a retail cashier seems to be judging your purchase, you check the snark, and instead wish him well as you leave. If a driver cuts you off, perhaps you take a breath and wave another driver in as well. If your child's karate sensei doesn't seem to be paying your son enough attention during one class, perhaps you give an extra nod of understanding as you thank her for the lesson.

Being grief-aware, in my mind, is simply a call to action to be more kind, more patient, and more humble to the humans around us. We are all dealing with our own shit; some days we are better at it than others.

Griever

So, ignoring the ludicrous and hurtful overtones of 'professional griever', I've been thinking about what it could look like if we went into our professional scenarios fully aware of each individual's wounds and scars. Would it change our conversations, reactions, and verbiage with the donors we serve? If you're a professional advisor, I wonder if you'd avoid saying certain terms or steer-clear of small talk altogether if you knew ahead of time that the mention of baseball is a potential grief-trigger?

Basically, I am wondering if our conversations with donors would be richer if we each wore our pain-points on our sleeves... or if we'd avoid fullstop. I think society has a gut reaction to ostrich - we'd really put our head in the sand than deal with anything unpleasant. But if we went into our professional meetings already knowing what the potential hot spots were, I wonder if it could make our conversations more meaningful. Perhaps we'd all be a bit kinder, a bit more gentle with each other if we could wear our grief like a badge. "Today I am grieving... please go easy".

Time with Gram

I spent time with my 93 year old grandmother over this past weekend. Let me just say that Luella Leboeuf (Gram to me) is one amazing individual. While her short term memory may be slipping due to a stroke last Fall, she has rebounded quicker and more fully than I think any of us suspected. She is the embodiment of superwoman to me.

As we visited, along with my aunt and my mom, I mentioned some of my recent work and we spoke about how we each react to grief. This led me to say something about the 'professionalization of grief'. It was totally NOT what I meant to say... I meant to say normalization... I'm an idiot. 

But this slip of the tongue made me wonder if it would somehow be easier if we took on a role Griever (capital G) when bereft, making grieving somehow advertised as a new unpaid position, like we do of parenthood or marital status. When people ask me about myself, I tell them that I am a wife, mother and fundraiser. It's my conditioned response to tell people about who I am, in a quick soundbite. What if those who are grieving suddenly started adding 'griever' to their elevator pitch? 

Session summary blog - Head over to Hilborn's CharityInfo site!

https://www.charityinfo.ca/articles/GlossingOverGrief

Missteps

My husband told me an interesting story recently. 

His principal had called all the staff in for a meeting before school. They could tell it was something serious... Geoff went into the meeting and the principal stood at the front of the room and indicated that a former student had died. 

Geoff noticed that the principal used the term ‘died’ and silently commended him (he has heard my presentations for years so he's a bit indoctrinated!).

A bit later, Geoff bumps into two colleagues who were latecomers to the meeting. They ask him what the news was and Geoff relays the message. In informing his colleagues however, Geoff says ‘a former student has passed away’... now Geoff has been surrounded by my content and my pontifications on death for over six years now... and his own use of a euphemism in this case actually took him aback. 

I get it... even if we hear the “d” words used, they can still seem harsh. And human nature and our societal models tell us that we need to avoid uncomfortable, harsh and distressing terms. So even though he feels like he knew better, a “passed away” slipped out of his mouth. 

I think we're bound to make missteps, be it using a euphemism when we don't intend to (I do this all the time), or even very egregiously saying the wrong thing (again, I think I do this all the time). As professionals, we may have these touch-points more often, and missteps are bound to occur. 

Notice it, learn from it, move on. 

Tried and True

I'm often asked if I have any 'standard' messages of sympathy to write to donors. To those not in the business of fundraising may view this as disingenuous, I always see this question as being a very thoughtful one. What can we possibly say to our donors that won't overstep, that won't rely on platitudes or euphemisms, but that still get across how very sorry we are for the situation they find themselves in? 

Is there anything tried and true? 

We could probably have a fundraisers' brainstorm session and come up with a few. But I'm also unsure it would be helpful. 

Although I really don't think that it is a bad thing to have certain comfortable phrases on hand, I see how it does fall woefully close to being icky. 

I'm reminded of a scene in Pride and Prejudice (book, movie, or miniseries, you choose!) where Mr. Collins indicates he sometimes pre-arranges 'delicate compliments': "(These compliments) arise chiefly from what is passing at the time, and though I sometimes amuse myself with suggesting and arranging such little elegant compliments as may be adapted to ordinary occasions, I always wish to give them as unstudied an air as possible."

Perhaps searching for tried and true sympathy statements would come across as laughable as Mr. Collins' statement... but maybe there is also a place for them. Let me know what you think and I'll think through it as well. 

Stay in your lane

I started a post yesterday about art, and got sidetracked by my multimillion dollar idea (don’t steal it). So back to pontifications about art.

The reason I got sidetracked was because beautiful words or beautiful images are basically all that the art forms provide us... it may be someone’s personal way of dealing with grief, and yet what is produced is often something that helps perpetuate this glossing over of grief in our society. Even Hamlet uses a euphemism right in the middle of a grand monologue (is that the first use of ‘shuffle off this mortal coil’? I wonder...) 

And though songs may convey beautiful messages, it’s not like we’re going to make our clients or donors a mix tape to demonstrate our empathy.

In a blog post by Megan Devine (grief activist and writer, author of “It’s Ok That You’re Not Ok”) she writes that the thing about art is that can help us feel seen in our own grief: “Being seen inside the truth of your own story, being allowed to tell your own story - that’s where the healing lies” So maybe it's not such a bad thing that this is one of the only ways we actually talk about death.

Maybe art can be healing for those who are grieving. But I think it can also easily backfire.

So the hitching point for professionals is this: without relying solely on art forms, beautiful words, greeting cards with flowing script and pictures of flowers, how on earth do we bare witness to our clients/donors/populations we serve without giving in to society’s norms. 

Is there a professionally appropriate way to stay in our lane (stay within the relationship expected as professional/client without overstepping a boundary) while not playing into the tired ‘same old’? Or maybe reliance on the comfortable art forms, the traditional images are the only appropriate avenue we have.

Like the fire yesterday at Notre-Dame, that thought just makes me sad. A loss of history mirrored by the loss of the possibility to acknowledge new ways forward. 

Notre-Dame Cathedral

I'm in shock. I've just seen pictures of Notre-Dame Cathedral in Paris. It looks as though it is being absolutely decimated by a fire. The pictures are unbelievable.

And though I have never been there, never had a personal connection, and have never had a visceral relationship with any building, I find myself looking at these photos with a sense of... loss. And with that I am back to my previous post focusing on that particular word...

I'm viewing this gorgeous architecture and a house of worship as it is being torn apart by flames, and I am mourning the historical, cultural, and spiritual relevance for the world. And I'm feeling a great sadness as it relates to the political overtones du jour. The state of our world, the distrust and abuse of our neighbours, the unjust acts all across the world. The fall of a beautiful building has me thinking about the big themes in life and death. 

I was just on Twitter and author (and grieving parent) Ben Brooks-Dutton (@benbrooksdutton) just said it perfectly: Whenever I see someone or something destroyed by something that surely didn't need to happen, these two words - what if- are always the first to come to my mind. The loss of beauty and preciousness is heartbreaking. 

what if. 

And maybe those two words are why death is so hard for humans? We circulate in the world of 'what if'. As professionals, it can be even more unpredictable. What if I had called that donor a day earlier? What if I had said something differently? What if I was more open to sit in silence, acknowledging that it cannot make anything better?

What if... 

Art

Is art better at dealing with death than we are in the general population? Is it because musicians or filmmakers are better with the topic? The idea of the tortured artist is a long standing one…

I made a point in my presentation the other day about the fact that that we like flowery greeting cards to convey sympathy because we are suckers for romanticized notions of death. We like to cheer people up (we can’t help but be cheerleaders when brushing against the idea that the pursuit of happiness is our ultimate earthly goal), and so we are given a greeting card industry that relies on ambiguous images and attempts at poetic sentiments. 

I think this is especially true for professionals who only slightly interact with the grieving person. For those of us who are tangentially involved in someone’s life, it is just so much easier to rely on tired sentiments and beautiful images. Empathy is HARD. As professionals we are ill-equipped to deal with death and so it simply feels more appropriate to fall-back on artful greeting cards.

Does beautiful imagery or beautiful words make anything any better for someone who is grieving? Nope. It could actually make the idea of sympathy cards easier for the giver than the receiver… 

Think about it. When we're choosing a card, we're reading it from our point of view. We’re trying to picture the person we’ll give it to and how it will land with them, but at the end of the day, we'll almost always rely on something that tries to 'lessen the blow'. Cards will never have  the word ‘death’ contained in the prose… society tells us it is too harsh. We’ll always include scripted writing and pictures of flowers or sunsets… even though none of that will ever be helpful. It makes the GIVER feel better. It sets the GIVER at ease to give beautiful, poetic cards. As professionals, that is very desirable. 

I'm not saying we do this on purpose, or that it is our fault. We just don't know what else to do. Cards that that are honest are not readily available, and i'm not even sure many professionals would feel comfortable sending one if they did exist.

But there may be some grievers who wouldn’t be offended, and perhaps may even say that it’s helpful. Who knows? 

I think I have a multi-million dollar idea for greeting cards. The only words that will be in them is “I’m sorry, this sucks, and there is nothing I can say that can make this better”.

Or maybe edgier ones that simply say “this fucking sucks”... I like it. I’m going to run with this. 

Loss

To start my presentations, I generally start out with an activity on euphemisms. We don't even realize all the ways we avoid saying death from day to day. This past presentation, I started out with an interactive word cloud activity. I THINK you can se the results if you follow this link: https://www.mentimeter.com/s/05c075030ac0b8df2accae4119d9a3d3/1b813080d118

Euphemisms are used in many languages, but English has so many bloody other terms... I did a quick informal poll during my session with the francophones. In French we’d say the “M” words (mourir, mort), but there are a few others: decéder, perdu. 

So 'perdu' is used in French and 'lost' in English. Interesting. 

I wonder when those terms first came into use in the sense of death? It’s not like we’re going to find the person again... at least not in the literal sense. And those who believe in an afterlife wouldn’t necessarily connect with an idea of ‘loss’ I don’t think... Someone who prescribes to a strong religious context would more likely believe they know where a loved one has gone, and have promise to see that individual again. 

So why loss? 

Really, even the relationship isn’t lost. It can be said to have been terminated or changed (depending on personal constructs - I like to think we need to defer to the person who is grieving to point to one or the other)...But I don’t think the gut reaction to use “loss” instead of death is logical in any sense. 

Why do we employ euphemisms? The definition of euphemism says it best. As described by the Oxford English Dictionary:  A mild or indirect word or expression substituted for one considered to be too harsh or blunt when referring to something unpleasant or embarrassing. 

So something in our everyday world has us thinking that the real, accurate words are too harsh. Crazy right? 

Canadian society (in both French and English!) would prefer to use a word like “loss”... even though it makes absolutely zero sense. 

CAGP 2019

Today I presented to just under 50 professional advisors and fundraisers from across the country. I was so grateful that many showed up (there were some other great breakout sessions happening at the same time as mine and I think I would have chosen one of the others)!

I was also so very pleased with the level of engagement. With a topic like death you really can’t be sure that people will come ready to talk. Although this was the fourth time I’ve presented on the topic, I wasn’t sure how the activities would land. The good news is that my fellow fundraisers are always willing to role play... and I love it! So while hopefully it was seen as a safe place for such a serious discussion, I was thrilled at the level of candid (and at times raw) discussion. 

My takeaway is that enough people view this topic as important, see the need to continue to push ourselves, and fundraising professionals are eager and open to the messages. So it is reaffirming that what I am doing is worthwhile. 

My presentation was followed by Mike Downie from the Downie Wenjack Foundation (https://www.downiewenjack.ca). A VERY powerful keynote. I'll try to come back to this presentation in a post or two, but first need to dig into the content a little more to do it justice. Mike was very very good at speaking about the deaths of his father and then his brother, Gord. It was gorgeous.

But back to my session for this post. During my presentation, some lovely and important points were made by my fellow fundraisers and I want to capture these insights before i forget! In my content, I present The Ring Theory, which was created by Susan Silk and Barry Goldman. I present this tool because it was helpful to me at a time where I was quite ill. I asked session participants to engage in an activity to help solidify the learning. In the activity, I provide a case study, and ask people to assume roles and place corresponding stickers on the rings. One of the comments that was made was that because the ring theory is so subjective and always in flux, she didn't have the details she felt she would need to place the character in any one particular ring. She also made the comment that our relationships can change in intensity as death approaches - which is absolutely true. One person may know/understand where they fall on the rings but that could change with one conversation or interaction. Relationships can get deeper or fade as death approaches. This was a really important point and the conversation was enriched with this feedback

Another participant asked me how I felt about personal boundaries and whether we can/should place hand on theirs etc In the moment, I answered that I felt it would be impossible to answer with a blanket statement. it would have to be left up to each individual fundraiser to determine comfort level based on relationship. I advised watching body language and simply asking questions about a person’s preference. A bit later, a participant mentioned to me that she has been taught a great technique where we can still feel that we are actioning our empathy, but also being respectful. In that moment of silence, when you're mirroring behaviour, and simply being there, another option would be to simply and quietly offer a box of tissue- this gives us a gesture and it does not necessarily infringe on the donor/client. 

The idea I presented of témoignage also landed... I think. I presented this as a “do”- the idea that as professionals we should be doing our part to break and reorder grief models. More on this later.

First post

Not sure what this will turn into, but here goes nothing. This blog will host my random thoughts, musings, and favourite death content du jour. The posts won't be glossy or long - simply so that I ensure I can keep up with an initial practice of providing content. Here goes nothing...

Tomorrow I'll be presenting at a national fundraising conference on the topics of death, dying, and grief. As delegates are seeing my name badge and asking what I am speaking about, my elevator pitch has gone a little something like this "I have realized throughout my career that there is no standard level of comfort for fundraisers and advisors on the topic of death. We are privileged to be brought into the lives of our donors and clients, and yet, we could potentially be doing them a disservice by bringing our own anxiety (about this topic) into conversations. My hope is that by presenting on the topic, it can spark a needed conversation so that we can ensure we don't bring our own baggage into these special interactions with donors.

Death is never comfortable and always sucks. It is big and scary. But we owe it to ourselves and to our donors/clients to TRY to gain some comfort.

At the end of the day, I am passionate about death education for very personal reasons. It scares the crap out of me! I'm an emotional wreck when I think of people I care about dying, and I'm probably the last person who should be tackling the subject. But that is why I am doing it...

It's important. And I've always believed that nothing worth doing is easy. I wholeheartedly believe that society sucks at death and grief. There are starting to be some amazing resources, but most offer tips for friends/loved ones. So how do we retain professionalism while digging deeper... I have absolutely NO idea.