Grace & authenticity

I was just attending a brilliant virtual session about Active Allyship at the Association of Fundraising Professional's #NOTCongress and I am struck by how much work needs to happen, continue, and start (speaking for me, personally). 

And I am also struck by the similarities in that journey and the linked terminology in the work to grief allyship. 

There is work to be done, and it is up to us (those sitting in privilege) to do it. 

Onward with grace and authenticity... 

REPOST: love language/grief language

Have you ever heard the statement "xyz is my love language"? (if not - check this out: https://www.5lovelanguages.com)

Spoiler - the authors describe the five languages as:

• words of affirmation,
• quality time,
• receiving gifts,
• acts of service,
• physical touch.

I think there is something to be said for these, and how they may relate to how we grieve, and how we expect others to grieve.

I was raised in a "quality time" household while I would bet money that if my husband would indicate his upbringing as having demonstrated a "receiving gifts" love language. Not to say this is how we show up now, but certainly these different styles come up in the course of our relationship (the Christmas tree is obscene thanks to his gift purchases, and our family outings to apple picking, pumpkin patch, etc are solely driven by yours truly).

So this said, think about how we prefer to give and receive love, and the obstacles that may present when faced with grief. If someone close to my husband dies, I may be inclined to try to spend time with him, seeking to connect and support through physically being somewhere with him. If someone close to me dies, he may be driven to purchase a random item for me as a supportive gesture. 

But in either case, it isn't likely to land as expected because that is not what the other will require in that moment. This could be a source of secondary grief (not sure what I mean by this? See the post on the Speaking Grief documentary and find a way to watch the film!) as neither of us will feel heard.

Another example:
My husband jokes that he is anti-grief. What he means by this is that while his mom grieves by knowing dates, years, celebrating death anniversaries (of almost all her extended family - really her memory and/or data tracking is sensational!), if it wasn't for a social media 'memory' popping up, he admits that he wouldn't recall the date that his dad died. Thus, he really doesn't understand the way his mom grieves, why those dates are of importance, and this leads to mutual frustration and likely sadness...
In short, I think they are speaking different grief languages.


Thoughts?

Alex Trebek, RBG, Sean Connery, Chadwick Boseman, Kobe Bryant

Question: Who are some of the impactful public figures who have died in 2020? 

Six years ago I wrote a piece for Gift Planning in Canada, a monthly newsletter for professional fundraisers who focus on legacies. That article was precipitated by the death of Robin Williams, another public figure who made a deep impact on society through his work. When Robin's death was announced, people felt it. His work meant something to people, and the grief was palpable. 

Similarly, I vividly recall the death of Kurt Cobain, from my high school days. and the impact that had on some of my peers. 

In the 2014 article, I explored why celebrity deaths can hit us so hard. At that time, I wrote that it was how that celebrity made us feel about ourselves, and our life situation; that it was the loss of that piece of ourselves that we grieved. 

I still think that to be true. 

But this year, I am also learning that it is about the loss of what is possible. The loss of what will not be. And I think that loss is the grief that is hitting us so hard, this year especially. 

And although a 'news-worthy' death doesn't hit you personally hard, it may impact others around you in ways they aren't anticipating. To you, it could be "just another celeb", but to a peer, colleague, or customer, that same death could represent dear memories from their past, or some seed of hope for the future.

Grief Leadership

The last few months have been a lot. But all of a sudden, the skies are clearing. 

And there is a very exciting discussion on social media - the importance of grief representation and grief leadership on the world stage. Grieving people feel seen and I think it is beautiful. 

Now for sure it is easy to answer with the tripe "he's so strong"... but what if we didn't underscore what WE thought President-elect Joe Biden was bringing to the table. 

What if we just listen? 

What if we just observe? 

What if we simply lean in and learn? 

Like so many things these days - the onus is on us to do the work. Take that uncomfortable seat, and continue to try to do better. Leaders who grieve openly aren't there to teach us the way, but we can absolutely learn from them. 

I, for one, look forward to learning from Joe. 

Academia

Earlier in the pandemic, I posted other research that had been posted to the McMaster Optimal Aging Portal about Grief. You can consider this part two. 

https://www.mcmasteroptimalaging.org/blog/detail/blog/2020/09/09/grieving-experiences-in-the-context-of-a-pandemic-how-to-support-individual-and-collective-grief

The research findings featured here are not earth shattering and seem a bit like common sense, but it is still interesting to me that scholarly research about grief is on the rise. I take this as a very good sign: academia paying distinct attention to this topic is encouraging. 

Death should not be an offshoot, or sidelined as a fringe topic in academia, nor in our professional lives. Grief affects every single one of us, and addressing how that impacts us will have deep impacts for our colleagues, our organizations, and the stakeholders we serve. 

1/2 tennis ball

When I am out for a walk in our neighbourhood, I pass a broken half of a tennis ball in the park by our house that someone has left discarded. 

A few weeks ago, Milo had found that same half tennis ball and coveted it like it was a prized possession. It was all I could do to not let him bring it home with him. 

And now, I pass this same broken tennis ball daily as I make myself stick to my walk/run routine without him.  

The other day it made me sad, recalling how Milo dove on it and wanted to keep it. It made me miss him.

This morning however, it made me smile when I saw it. I recalled his puppy-like behaviour and it brought back happy memories. 

And that is how grief works I suppose. Innocuous objects bringing back memories or pain and that can very easily catch us off guard. 

A very smart colleague of mine introduced me to the term STUG. Sudden temporary upsurge of grief. 

Although these memories of Milo aren't making me break down in tears or double-over in pain, it is possible that someone in our lives may experience that very palpable response. Out of the blue. 

And that doesn't make someone weak or ill-equipped to deal with grief... it's NORMAL. 

For me, I think I'll bring gloves with me tomorrow and actually pick up and throw out that half tennis ball tomorrow. I've actually liked both the painful and happy memories that it has brought me over the past few days, but I think that it has served it's purpose... 

(Also, its not like the original owner is going to come back to throw it out after so many weeks, so I might as well do something nice for the neighbourhood by getting rid of it properly!)

It's all so much...

Today my family and I had to say goodbye to our doggo, Milo. We adopted Milo (or "My-my" as we often called him) in May 2019, so we haven't had him long, but my goodness had he ever wormed his little paws into our hearts. I am struck by how deeply this grief hits. 

And tonight I am reminded on a very personal and palpable level, how grief layers onto previous loss, how this year has just compounded all.the.things, and of how deeply I relied on that fur ball for my personal support snuggles in the dark times... 

COVID-19, ongoing racism & hatred & murder of BIPOC people, deeply felt celebrity deaths, loss of purpose/self/sanity... and now the death of my family's bright shining light.

2020... it's been... a LOT. 

Practice kindness to yourself this week. Practice patience and love for others during your Zoom calls. Take moments to hold space in honour of your loved ones, past and present. Take your time... we all deserve it.