REPOST: love language/grief language

Have you ever heard the statement "xyz is my love language"? (if not - check this out: https://www.5lovelanguages.com)

Spoiler - the authors describe the five languages as:

• words of affirmation,
• quality time,
• receiving gifts,
• acts of service,
• physical touch.

I think there is something to be said for these, and how they may relate to how we grieve, and how we expect others to grieve.

I was raised in a "quality time" household while I would bet money that if my husband would indicate his upbringing as having demonstrated a "receiving gifts" love language. Not to say this is how we show up now, but certainly these different styles come up in the course of our relationship (the Christmas tree is obscene thanks to his gift purchases, and our family outings to apple picking, pumpkin patch, etc are solely driven by yours truly).

So this said, think about how we prefer to give and receive love, and the obstacles that may present when faced with grief. If someone close to my husband dies, I may be inclined to try to spend time with him, seeking to connect and support through physically being somewhere with him. If someone close to me dies, he may be driven to purchase a random item for me as a supportive gesture. 

But in either case, it isn't likely to land as expected because that is not what the other will require in that moment. This could be a source of secondary grief (not sure what I mean by this? See the post on the Speaking Grief documentary and find a way to watch the film!) as neither of us will feel heard.

Another example:
My husband jokes that he is anti-grief. What he means by this is that while his mom grieves by knowing dates, years, celebrating death anniversaries (of almost all her extended family - really her memory and/or data tracking is sensational!), if it wasn't for a social media 'memory' popping up, he admits that he wouldn't recall the date that his dad died. Thus, he really doesn't understand the way his mom grieves, why those dates are of importance, and this leads to mutual frustration and likely sadness...
In short, I think they are speaking different grief languages.


Thoughts?