I would have expected to get better...
First year was period of numbness - true emotions don't hit
You can't fix it - feeling of helplessness
THAT GRIEF FEELS BAD, DOESN'T MEAN IT IS BAD
It's part of being alive, it's part of being human
"Must be a dream, i'm going to wake up"
Grief is the universal response to change
The phases may or may not fit - we need to give ourselves permission - if we have expectation around what someone else's grief journey looks like, we can very easily cause harm
Kids grieve in spurts - can look like add, temper tantrums - can become invisible... "you have to be strong for your parents" - erasure of their pain, their grief
Grief should be categorized as an emotion set - not just one emotion - sadness, frustration, guilt, anger, boredom, confused, irritable, joy
Anything someone feels inside their own grief is CORRECT
You expect that the world is going to take a time out for you - stepping outside, life was normal... realization that things aren't going to stop
Death as event - planning onslaught that comes after and can't gather thoughts - decisions to be made, life goes on.
Have a hard time functioning
Short term memory/reading comprehension/general forgetfulness
Exhaustion, changes in appetite, health issues - inflammatory issues, migraines
And because we don't speak about these things, grieving people think there is something abnormal going on
No "how to"s available - makes it very lonely in your own grief
Death forces people into roles that they aren't used to - roles they aren't good at, wouldn't have sense of what was necessary
Grief includes a series of changes - secondary losses - the double whammy of grief
So many implications - not just one isolated event - sends shockwaves throughout all facets of your life.
Makes it impossible for families - separation form financial resources, different relationships (loss of friends, friends unsure how to handle the grieving person), lack of support - good friends and family became absent
Because we (society) are so bad at this topic, we're weird, untrained... we say nothing so that we don't 'make someone upset'
To the grieving person, saying nothing feels like abandonment - give voice. Don't ignore person who died - I want to share his life, I don't mind getting chocked up
Person will be sad no matter what - the bereaved will never get sadder because you mentioned it.
Secondary losses can almost eclipse initial grief
We don't talk about the living reality of grief
Nothing is wrong with you - you're human
People may rally around the grieving person at the beginning - the support drops off, people still need support - should come later
Effective support is the attitude of open listening and accepting whatever they are saying - not feeling pressure to somehow take the pain away
You need to be willing to hear that what you're doing is not helping that person - call for humility - you will mess up grief work
Know that you will mess up - pivot to the mistake. it is not a griever's job to course correct you - work beyond the mistake... I see you're hurting, I don't know what to say, I am here to support you"
We are culturally conditioned to cheer person up - but this silences them. your job is to make the person feel heard
However uncomfortable it makes you feel, your job is to listen
Tangible offers of help: "I'm going to offer some things, you let me know which from this list feels ok for you"
Grief is a right of passage that changes us - nothing we ever get over - it is something we carry forward forever
Grief is a sense of brokenness... you will be broken in ways you've never been broken before
There is no end-game - we all need to do the work of loving, grief work is about humanity - everybody you meet is going through something
If we want a culture where we feel taken care of, we need to open these conversations
IT IS NECESSARY, it is not impossible
You can open conversations about grief because they are really conversations about love.
Normalize and validate - we will be better humans
The taboo-ness of grief will cease to exist
What would happen if we could speak the truth about our pain and hear the pain of others?
If instead of shutting grief out, we made space for it?
What would it look like if our actions matched our intentions? if we knew how to offer meaningful support?
What if we got better at grief?
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