Love language/grief language

Have you ever heard the statement "xyz is my love language"? (if not - check this out: https://www.5lovelanguages.com)

Spoiler - the authors describe the five languages as:

• words of affirmation,
• quality time,
• receiving gifts,
• acts of service,
• physical touch.

I think there is something to be said for these, and how they may relate to how we grieve, and how we expect others to grieve.

I was raised in a "quality time" household while I would bet money that if my husband would indicate his upbringing as having demonstrated a "receiving gifts" love language. Not to say this is how we show up now, but certainly these different styles come up in the course of our relationship (the Christmas tree is obscene thanks to his gift purchases, and our family outings to apple picking, pumpkin patch, etc are solely driven by yours truly).

So this said, think about how we prefer to give and receive love, and the obstacles that may present when faced with grief. If someone close to my husband dies, I may be inclined to try to spend time with him, seeking to connect and support through physically being somewhere with him. If someone close to me dies, he may be driven to purchase a random item for me as a supportive gesture.

But in either case, it isn't likely to land as expected because that is not what the other will require in that moment. This could be a source of secondary grief (not sure what I mean by this? See the post on the Speaking Grief documentary and find a way to watch the film!) as neither of us will feel heard.

Another example:
My husband jokes that he is anti-grief. What he means by this is that while his mom grieves by knowing dates, years, celebrating death anniversaries (of almost all her extended family - really her memory and/or data tracking is sensational!), if it wasn't for a social media 'memory' popping up, he admits that he wouldn't recall the date that his dad died. Thus, he really doesn't understand the way his mom grieves, why those dates are of importance, and this leads to mutual frustration and likely sadness...
In short, I think they are speaking different grief languages.


Thoughts?

The research is in... grief in a pandemic

I work at McMaster University - birthplace of evidence-based medicine - so I like to back up my gut feelings with research findings when possible... this will come as a surprise to exactly no one, but pandemics have been found to bring about three common themes (lifted directly from this post which details the research: https://www.mcmasteroptimalaging.org/blog/detail/blog/2020/07/15/do-not-go-through-the-ordeal-alone-grief-in-times-of-pandemics):

1. A loss experienced at different levels: in addition to the loss of family members and the fact of witnessing the death of other people, individuals also experience a symbolic loss of lifestyle, culture and social practices during pandemics. The mode of transmission of infectious diseases usually require containment and physical distancing measures which go against the desire to offer close, compassionate care to patients and their families at the end of life.

2. A great uncertainty: the rapid and uncertain evolution of certain illnesses does not adequately prepare families for the imminent death of their loved one. In addition, the information provided by authorities and the interpretation made by individuals based on their perceptions and beliefs can help to nurture this uncertainty and delay the psychological preparation for death. This uncertainty can create fear among patients, caregivers and professionals, and lead to increased psychological distress and sometimes even angry reactions towards individuals and institutions.

3. A limited capacity for social support: the ability of individuals to support themselves during illness, grief and bereavement is limited during pandemics, whether between patients, families, caregivers or professionals. For example, the requirement to wear personal protective equipment and the isolation of infected patients limits physical contact and restricts visits by family members. In addition, the implementation of physical distancing measures and the prohibition of public gatherings prevent family members and friends from coming together to collectively grieve.

Tons of other insights also in the linked McMaster Optimal Ageing Portal blog - https://www.mcmasteroptimalaging.org/blog/detail/blog/2020/07/15/do-not-go-through-the-ordeal-alone-grief-in-times-of-pandemics

Documentary: Speaking Grief

Things that stood out to me while watching the WPSU documentary Speaking Grief live broadcast this evening: 

I would have expected to get better... 

First year was period of numbness - true emotions don't hit

You can't fix it - feeling of helplessness

THAT GRIEF FEELS BAD, DOESN'T MEAN IT IS BAD

It's part of being alive, it's part of being human

"Must be a dream, i'm going to wake up"

Grief is the universal response to change

The phases may or may not fit - we need to give ourselves permission  - if we have expectation around what someone else's grief journey looks like, we can very easily cause harm

Kids grieve in spurts - can look like add, temper tantrums - can become invisible... "you have to be strong for your parents" - erasure of their pain, their grief

Grief should be categorized as an emotion set - not just one emotion - sadness, frustration, guilt, anger, boredom, confused, irritable, joy

Anything someone feels inside their own grief is CORRECT

You expect that the world is going to take a time out for you - stepping outside, life was normal... realization that things aren't going to stop

Death as event - planning onslaught that comes after and can't gather thoughts - decisions to be made, life goes on. 

Have a hard time functioning

Short term memory/reading comprehension/general forgetfulness 

Exhaustion, changes in appetite, health issues - inflammatory issues, migraines

And because we don't speak about these things, grieving people think there is something abnormal going on

No "how to"s available - makes it very lonely in your own grief

Death forces people into roles that they aren't used to - roles they aren't good at, wouldn't have sense of what was necessary

Grief includes a series of changes - secondary losses - the double whammy of grief

So many implications - not just one isolated event - sends shockwaves throughout all facets of your life.

Makes it impossible for families - separation form financial resources, different relationships (loss of friends, friends unsure how to handle the grieving person), lack of support - good friends and family became absent

Because we (society) are so bad at this topic, we're weird, untrained... we say nothing so that we don't 'make someone upset'

To the grieving person, saying nothing feels like abandonment - give voice. Don't ignore person who died - I want to share his life, I don't mind getting chocked up

Person will be sad no matter what - the bereaved will never get sadder because you mentioned it. 

Secondary losses can almost eclipse initial grief

We don't talk about the living reality of grief

Nothing is wrong with you - you're human

People may rally around the grieving person at the beginning - the support drops off, people still need support - should come later

Effective support is the attitude of open listening and accepting whatever they are saying - not feeling pressure to somehow take the pain away

You need to be willing to hear that what you're doing is not helping that person - call for humility - you will mess up grief work

Know that you will mess up - pivot to the mistake. it is not a griever's job to course correct you  - work beyond the mistake... I see you're hurting, I don't know what to say, I am here to support you" 

We are culturally conditioned to cheer person up - but this silences them. your job is to make the person feel heard

However uncomfortable it makes you feel, your job is to listen

Tangible offers of help: "I'm going to offer some things, you let me know which from this list feels ok for you"

Grief is a right of passage that changes us - nothing we ever get over - it is something we carry forward forever

Grief is a sense of brokenness... you will be broken in ways you've never been broken before

There is no end-game - we all need to do the work of loving, grief work is about humanity - everybody you meet is going through something

If we want a culture where we feel taken care of, we need to open these conversations

IT IS NECESSARY, it is not impossible

You can open conversations about grief because they are really conversations about love.

Normalize and validate - we will be better humans

The taboo-ness of grief will cease to exist

What would happen if we could speak the truth about our pain and hear the pain of others? 

If instead of shutting grief out, we made space for it? 

What would it look like if our actions matched our intentions? if we knew how to offer meaningful support?

What if we got better at grief?