"The most kissed face of all time"

I wonder if this is true. Fascinating if it is...and what a legacy!

https://www.facebook.com/137906549730115/posts/1126070004247093?s=591425261&sfns=mo

If you aren't able to follow the link - here are the details (which accompany a photo):

This is the DEATH MASK of a young woman who drowned in the River Seine in the 1880's. As was customary in those days, her corpse was put on display in the Paris mortuary, in the hope that someone might recognize her and claim her body. The pathologist on duty became entranced by the girl with the enigmatic half-smile, and so he commissioned a plaster cast made of her face. This mask was replicated many times over. She became known as "L'Inconnue de la Seine,” or “The Unknown Woman of the Seine.” In 1955, a toy maker named Asmund Laerdal created what we now know as the CPR doll. Asmund wanted his mannequin to have a natural appearance. Remembering a mask on the wall of his grandparents' house many years earlier, he decided that the L'Inconnue de la Seine would become the face of Resusci Anne. So you see, this anonymous woman who drowned in the 19th century is responsible for saving many, many lives the world over. It is said that she has the most kissed face of all time. I hope you enjoyed this little #histmed tale!

Credit: The Chirurgeon's Apprentice

Moira

Are you a Schitt's Creek fan? In an episode where one of the characters, Moira Rose, is reported dead on the internet, she then dramatically asks for her friends and acquaintances to play a little game of imagining an alternate reality where she is indeed dead, and asks them what they would say about her:

"Theoretically, what do you think you'd be saying right now?"

The episode plays on to have Moira continue to read online tributes. The episode really got me thinking. We so often hold back compliments, or the sharing of our true emotions. Why is it that we only feel comfortable paying tribute once someone is dead? What would happen if we started saying those nice things when we think them, to one and all...

REPOST: Griever

I've been thinking about what it could look like if we went into our professional scenarios fully aware of each individual's wounds and scars.

Would it change our conversations, reactions, and verbiage with the donors we serve? If you're a professional advisor, I wonder if you'd avoid saying certain terms or steer-clear of small talk altogether if you knew ahead of time that the mention of baseball is a potential grief-trigger?

Basically, I am wondering if our conversations with donors would be richer if we each wore our pain-points on our sleeves... or if we'd avoid fullstop.

I think society has a gut reaction to ostrich - we'd really rather put our head in the sand than deal with anything unpleasant.
But if we went into our professional meetings already knowing what the potential hot spots were, I wonder if it could make our conversations more meaningful. Perhaps we'd all be a bit kinder, a bit more gentle with each other if we could wear our grief like a badge. "I am grieving... please go easy".

HBR

About a month ago I posted in one blog entry that there are few and far between resources for dealing with grief in a professional world. Today I decided to search the Harvard Business Review to see if any article ever posted on that platform had touched upon the subject.

While 'grief' came up empty (not surprising!), 'death' pulled up one entry. And although the article barely scratches the surface of dealing with death in the workplace (as I had defined it), it does present an interesting viewpoint. 

https://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/09/business/kathy-giusti-sharing-life-lessons-from-a-death-sentence.html

The interviewee, Kathy Giusti, speaks about how a (then-) fatal diagnosis provided her with some lessons she has carried forward into business. Time-management and decisiveness are things that have helped her in her career, and she indicates in this interview that she has pulled these lessons directly from her brush with death. Basically, she learned first hand that life is short, and she couldn't sit around and over-lament her decision-making, or look back and have regrets. 

A lesson I needed reminding of today, as I waffle with various minute decisions... time to choose an option and move along. Life is short. 

REPOST: Grief allies

What would it look like to become a grief ally? How can I inject this into my work, and then bring it forward as something I can encourage in my team, my peers, my profession? 

As a fundraiser, I'm already a natural listener and observer. I feel these skillsets are innate for me. But, as my husband will tell you, I am also very opinionated, and I try to help or solve OFTEN. Also, I play devil's advocate to help people see different points of view. 

I think that for me being a grief ally is suppressing some of myself. I'm sure I have gotten it wrong more than a few times. I think being a grief ally is also about continuing to remind myself that my opinions, thoughts, statements, and (most certainly) judgements are not helpful. 

I'll have to continue in my journey if I really want to hone this skillset. Grief ally-dom is not likely something we can ever perfect. Pain is very hard to sit with, and not fix. I think being a grief ally is about knowing that.

After Life

Taking a pause from my Ted Talks obsession, I wanted to bring another binge-worthy series to your attention. This one comes with a warning - it is definitely not going to be everyone's cup of tea. 

Ricky Gervais created, produces and stars in the dark comedy After Life, available on Netflix. The first season consists of only 6 episodes; I have to admit that the story arc didn't compel me after watching episodes 3/4 and I almost gave up on it. I was then encouraged by a colleague to stick with it, and I am happy I did. 

The realism this series brings to the table when it comes to possible reactions to grief can be disturbing. But, at the same point, I think that is that very reason why it is important to watch. A dark comedy doesn't feel like a safe way to touch upon such a serious topic, but that too is perhaps what makes it even more relevant. 

The takeaway: in grief, there is no right or wrong, no rules, no norms. If this series feels very uncomfortable, maybe that is because it sucks to realize that grief can push any/all of us to disturbing extremes. And maybe to make each of us better at being human (and humane!) in our daily interactions, we need to stretch ourselves outside of that comfort zone and come to grips with that very reality.

Follow this link to the trailer for the series: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_-cQVKI2X8

Ted x2

Dying well can seem like an oxymoron but the following two Ted Talks speak to what could be in our power to ensure a better death. Planning, it seems, is the recommendation. Planning and open conversation. Again, I post these with full transparency here - I don't necessarily personally agree with all the viewpoints expressed in these talks, but certain statements were particularly poignant to me, so I wanted to share.

https://www.ted.com/talks/judy_macdonald_johnston_prepare_for_a_good_end_of_life?referrer=playlist-new_ways_to_think_about_death

 & 

https://www.ted.com/talks/peter_saul_let_s_talk_about_dying?referrer=playlist-new_ways_to_think_about_death

Wishing you open dialogue and the willingness to listen...

Vulnerability

So often we forget that in our professional lives, we need a healthy dose of vulnerability. Being vulnerable helps us share our true selves, helps us be authentic in our work. More than that, being vulnerable helps us to be more genuinely human.

As the author of this blog post states, it is also key in sharing space with those who are grieving: "To be present with loss we have to be willing to be vulnerable". So beautifully put.

Encouraging you to head over to this blog to read the whole piece:
https://hollandbloorview.wordpress.com/2019/07/09/ceo-blog-national-bereaved-parents-month/

"Fear of death is natural but not rational"

The Ted Talk I posted yesterday has really stuck with me since I watched it. Specifically, the idea that we can't worry or shouldn't spend energy on the end-point, because we won't actually be around to experience the end-point.

I love the quote that Stephen Cave used to drive this point home: 

"Death is not an event in life; we do not live to experience death"

- Ludwig Wittgenstein

Acknowledging this, what will I do differently with my day, knowing that the back cover won't ever be something I can experience? 

Ted

I've been on a Ted Talk bender recently. SO many great talks to watch, especially on the topics of death and grief. Over the next few posts I will be sharing a few more of my personal favs. They may or may not resonate with everyone, but I'll try to post an interesting variety. If nothing else, my hope as always, is that by posting these you may find some relevance in your everyday professional world.

Enjoy!

As a starting point - one that ends with a really important message. Although this isn't a ridiculously entertaining talk, I love the final message: "Make it a good story". Stephen Cave goes through the 4 stories we tell ourselves about death, but ultimately it is the message at the end that make this a worthwhile watch.

https://www.ted.com/talks/stephen_cave_the_4_stories_we_tell_ourselves_about_death?referrer=playlist-new_ways_to_think_about_death

Orca J35

Do you recall the story from about a year ago about the orca off the coast of BC who carried her dead calf with her for more than 15 days? It was a riveting story and many of us felt that this behaviour clearly denoted grief. 

I've recently come across the following Ted Talk that touches on that story, and a few others. While I don't personally agree with everything this speaker says, I still think it is worth the watch: 

https://www.ted.com/talks/barbara_j_king_grief_and_love_in_the_animal_kingdom/footnotes#t-871371

Mary Poppins

If you haven't seen Mary Poppins Returns, this post will have some spoilers. I watched this film for the second time over the weekend with my daughter. There is quite a lot about death and many many euphemisms used in the film, but one particular scene struck me upon second viewing. The song in which Ben Whishaw's character Michael Banks is mourning his wife (pic from IMDB). In the song he ponders how to answer questions from his kids, and wishes for suggestions on hairstyling for his daughter. He ends this song with "My question, Kate, is where'd you go?" Although the many euphemisms in this children's film have rubbed me the wrong way in the past, this particular scene is very touching. I think the point of it is to say that it is the everyday activities that are hardest when someone in our lives has died. 

We miss the normalcy and the mundane. It's about the items a person has used every day without ceremony, rather than something that may have been saved for special occasions. And it's in the everyday, that we miss the deceased the most. 

As colleagues, service-providers, and acquaintances to the bereft in our professional lives, seeking out empathy in mundane moments may be the most meaningful act we could offer. 

Visitation

Christine's visitation was today in Ottawa, but I was unable to go. My sister and her family understood the reason why we weren't able to make it, but the sense of guilt from not having been there to support my sister and her family is very strong.

Which leads me to the question, are visitations as useful to family and loved ones as they once were? Do they provide healing, and the opportunity to say goodbye, or do they add stress to an already uncomfortable situation? Are they supportive to those grieving, or are they tolerated as a duty that must be performed?

I don't have the answer...just some musings that have come to mind as my sister and her family are going through this rough time.

Christine

My sister's mother-in-law died on Sunday.

Christine was one of the most caring souls you'd ever meet. And she was an unapologetic Newfoundlander. I'm sure anyone she's ever met could tell you about how deeply Christine loved her family and how committed she was to her roots. She was authentic and open, and that was so endearing.

Over the past year my brother-in-law has had to go through a lot of ups and downs. Christine was diagnosed almost exactly one year ago with leukaemia and it was a crazy journey.

My brother-in-law Lee saw her daily and posted almost every day about his visits. Social media became a way for those of us who are slightly removed to follow her condition and send well-wishes. The condolences are now pouring in on Facebook and my sister says that Lee has appreciated hearing from so many.

Now, if you read books on grief, social media condolences are generally considered an 'ok' first step, but not the pinnacle of how to support the aggrieved. Similar to every other rule of thumb, I'd now say that this really depends. Lee has been very public with his journey and now with his loss. His post honouring his mom is one of the most beautiful I have ever read. It is logical and appropriate for people to be responding in kind.

And to Christine, wherever you may be: thank you for being you, and for making your mark on this world. Wishing Mike, Lee, Cheryl, Anna and Max peace as they remember how deeply you touched their lives.

Canada Day

Yesterday was Canada Day. I grew up in Ottawa, so I have a deep-rooted love of this national holiday. On July 1st, wearing red and white are mandatory in our house. And getting out to some sort of festivities and waving a flag around is also a must. A good 'ol singing of the national anthem shouldn't be missed either.

This being said, as I am learning more about our forefathers and the way we treated indigenous peoples, it is becoming a complicated celebration for me. Atrocities are very much a part of our country's history, and I recognize that this cannot be glossed over.

So I am left trying to determine how I can teach my daughter to be filled with national pride, love and gratitude for our country, while also ensuring that we're acknowledging the role that our ancestors played in the deaths and oppression of so many... 

History is complicated like that. And so is grief.

Can we celebrate a country despite the horrific actions of our leaders in the past?
Can we celebrate the life of a loved one, despite a complicated and/or painful relationship during life?

And how do we support those who may take a viewpoint completely opposite to our own?