Funeral Duty

I couldn't attend my uncle-in-law's (is that an actual term? sounds ridiculous) funeral. But my husband has gone. Begrudgingly, but attending all the same. He asked me my thoughts, and I pushed him out the door. Out of duty or a feeling that it was what is expected... perhaps. But more than that, to be there for his mom. With a complicated grief and complicated family dynamic, comes a battle ground for grief wars. Clashes in what some people view is right/wrong, important/trivial... you name it. Grief will bring it all forward. 

My MIL will need her son there to support her. And she'll need to ensure she's 'dumping out'. That is why my husband is attending. He needs to go and assume the role of the most outer-ring. And if he needs someone to dump to, he'll have to be careful that it doesn't come out to his mom. He'll need to ensure he calls me up. 

"Comfort in, dump out" - the ring theory created by Susan Silk and Barry Goldman - first presented in an Op-Ed in the LA Times. A fascinating and I think enormously helpful tool to help us manage through especially sticky times. 

The complicated battleground of strained family politics is one that will be present for the next few days for my family. I hope that those at the centre of our rings will feel supported, and that my hubby and I can do our best to keep the spotlight where it needs to be. 

Wish us luck!