Chocolate cake

"Leave nothing unsaid"... we might say this, but how often do we actually write down the little things?

That piece of advice I've filed away for when my daughter is older. The ancient jokes between friends where the secret meanings may get lost. The family recipe that lives in minds and muscle memory only.

My husband's biggest regret is not getting his dad's chocolate cake recipe before he died four years ago... it was damn good cake!

This excellent article suggests that these are the types of things that make up our legacy. The things by which we would be remembered, the nuggets that would be most meaningful to our loved ones. So why wait?

Start your 'ethical will' today:
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/ethical-will-legacy-letter-why-you-want-one_n_5eeb7a09c5b6c8594c7f2d03?guccounter=1


Also, please send cake recipe recommendations.

Showing Up

I know I am not alone when I say that everything has been a LOT over the past few weeks. And I say this from my very white, very privileged point of view.

I cannot fathom how 2020 is materializing for black, indigenous, or people of colour. I cannot imagine how 2020 has traumatized so many people in our society... the only thing I can do is show up and do the work.

I'm here for it, and my only hope is that I have the fortitude to continue & keep up with it.

Black Lives

In dealing with death, those of us not experiencing the grief closely cannot possible imagine the pain that the bereaved person is experiencing.

For black citizens of our world, the same is true of their experiences of blatant racism and micro aggression suffered every single day. Now is not the time for another white voice... so I am going to simply paste something I have posted on some of my other social media channels.

I haven’t made statements about racial injustice recently because I have been wanting to leave space for those who experience these atrocities. I’m speechless and sickened about the state of our world- how do we actually bring about change? As a start, I think this list deserves to be amplified. Time to become ANTI-RACIST. #blacklivesmatter

Copied and pasted from others online:

I have privilege as a white person because I can do all of these things without thinking twice...

I can go birding (#ChristianCooper).

I can go jogging (#AmaudArbery).

I can relax in the comfort of my own home (#BothemSean and #AtatianaJefferson).

I can ask for help after being in a car crash (#JonathanFerrell and #RenishaMcBride).

I can have a cellphone (#StephonClark).

I can leave a party to get to safety (#JordanEdwards).

I can play loud music (#JordanDavis).

I can sell CD's (#AltonSterling).

I can sleep (#AiyanaJones)

I can walk from the corner store (#MikeBrown).

I can play cops and robbers (#TamirRice).

I can go to church (#Charleston9).

I can walk home with Skittles (#TrayvonMartin).

I can hold a hair brush while leaving my own bachelor party (#SeanBell).

I can party on New Years (#OscarGrant).

I can get a normal traffic ticket (#SandraBland).

I can lawfully carry a weapon (#PhilandoCastile).

I can break down on a public road with car problems (#CoreyJones).

I can shop at Walmart (#JohnCrawford) .

I can have a disabled vehicle (#TerrenceCrutcher).

I can read a book in my own car (#KeithScott).

I can be a 10yr old walking with our grandfather (#CliffordGlover).

I can decorate for a party (#ClaudeReese).

I can ask a cop a question (#RandyEvans).

I can cash a check in peace (#YvonneSmallwood).

I can take out my wallet (#AmadouDiallo).

I can run (#WalterScott).

I can breathe (#EricGarner).

I can live (#FreddieGray).

I CAN BE ARRESTED WITHOUT THE FEAR OF BEING MURDERED. (#GeorgeFloyd)

White privilege is real. Take a minute to consider a Black person’s experience today.

#BlackLivesMatter

Obit 101

I recently had a chat with a fundraising peer who mentioned a piece of advice she received from another one of our peers: Write your own obituary.

While some may deem this as morbid AF, I actually LOVE this advice. And I've been writing... and editing... and obsessing ever since.

It's not an easy task! My hope is that I can have this to a place where it can be easily edited and helps those grieving my death by getting a simple task out of the way. I also hope that it helps bring them some levity, some memories, some solace. A kind of 'last letter' without knowing when my time is up.

It's an interesting exercise to undertake and would highly recommend it.

Here is a starting point:
https://www.funeralbasics.org/write-great-obituary/

Tough talk

A while ago, Dr. Nadine Thornhill  (@NadineThornhill) tweeted that she and her spouse had sat down to have the difficult conversation about what would happen if one of them contracted COVID-19. This has been weighing on me ever since I read her tweets... It was clearly time to have this conversation at my house.

We have a daughter, we have a dog, and we live in a tiny two-bedroom bungalow. Geoff's mom just had major cardiac surgery and lives in London, ON. My parents live in Ottawa. My brother and family live in Milton. My sister and her family live in Ottawa. My best friends live in Ottawa.  You get the picture.

The contingency plan is not really there. We've drawn scary blanks... I'm not sure what we'll do if one of us contracts this virus. I know the stress is especially high for Geoff because he recalls what it was like to be a bystander when I was sick with UC. We both know that the same autoimmune diseases I almost died from in the past make me immunocompromised now.

So we're thinking about it... trying to suss out options. But also trying to be flexible and practical. It isn't an ideal situation, but we're going to try our best to get our ducks in a row.

On the agenda for this weekend - reviewing our living Wills and estate plans. Real talk. It's time.

Death Rituals

This is a great article on why the tragedy in Nova Scotia as well as any loss due to COVID will be especially difficult. Complicated grief is a bitch.

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/10/nyregion/coronavirus-funerals-burials-wakes.html?smtyp=cur&smid=fb-nytimes

Nova Scotia

Canada's deadliest attack. At the time that I write this, 22 confirmed deceased victims. It is unfathomable, shocking, heartbreaking. 

No poetic words, pretty bouquets of flowers, or somber candlelight vigils can make any of this better. It doesn't make sense. It never will. Death doesn't. 

And in in the context of the current pandemic, the complicated grief continues to complicate. Death rituals changed, altered or foregone altogether. It's not fair. Death isn't.

And though it will not help ease any of the pain, my heart is with the families and loved ones of each of the victims. May they find peace and solace. 

https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/nova-scotia-shooting-coronavirus-vigil-1.5538342