STUG

Sudden temporary upsurgence of grief. A moment when you're living life, and grief seems to come out of nowhere. Here is a moving story from the New Yorker on exactly that: 

 https://www.newyorker.com/culture/culture-desk/crying-in-h-mart

Day of the Dead

I LOVE the Mexican holiday Dia de los Meurtos - the pageantry, the sugar skulls, the colours, the traditions... but most of all the intent. 

A day to invite memories - of family members and friends who have died - back into our lives. A day to celebrate those who have died, and to commune with them in order to keep them alive in our daily lives. 

Check out this link for more: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Day_of_the_Dead

The impact of one

If you haven't heard or read the story of Dr. Nadia Chaudhri, I'd recommend checking out her Twitter feed or this beautiful obituary from the Montreal Gazette (https://montrealgazette.com/news/local-news/obituary-facing-death-concordia-neuroscientist-nadia-chaudhri-inspired-thousands-and-created-a-legacy) 

Dr. Chaudhri approached her terminal diagnosis in a very public manner and used her social media to inform and educate. She also advocated and fundraised. She lived more in her final months than many people ever do. 

I really hope that my own response to such a horrific diagnosis would be to react in the same dignified and beautiful way. 

The reason for death education

I’ve been thinking about the short doc I alluded to in yesterday’s post. The main physician that is featured makes a statement that rings incredibly true to me. 

“ I think that we all should explore a little more, this death and dying thing. I think that it is very isolating for people and people are uncomfortable around it…but if the solution is that we just avoid it more & more, then, one day, each one of us will be in the situation and nobody will be there for us. “

This is why I’m passionate about death education and death literacy. The more we talk about death- remove it from the fear, from the disdain, from the mystery- maybe we can ensure that we all have access to our ideal death. 

Watch the doc for yourself:  https://www.nytimes.com/video/opinion/100000007249913/dying-in-your-mothers-arms.html 

Ideal death

This evening I’ve listened to the amazing Alua Arthur (if you don’t know her work, google Going With Grace and watch her one minute videos on Instagram!) describe her ideal death on a podcast and then also watched a lovely NYT short doc where the paediatric palliative care physician indicates that an ideal death for her is dying as a baby in mom’s arms (no where more surrounded by unconditional love). 

Both descriptions were so beautiful that they’ve inspired me to think about my own ideal death. So far, I’ve come up with the following:

- non medical, surrounded by my people and dog

- knowing arrangements made, no stress or fuss awaits my aggrieved friends/family; passwords all filed, last posts dealt with, obituary pre-written

- sharing favourite memories, laughing at goofy pictures, telling stories

- if my body can handle it, drinking red wine, an excellent cheese and a slice of carrot cake

-ideally in a space with fresh air, overlooking water or mountains

- all family drama dealt with, apologies issued, amends made

- fresh lilacs, vibrant gerbera daisies, hydrangeas 

- cello music or musical soundtrack 

- knowledge that my legacy gifts will have real impact in the world.

I think I can dig into the specifics a bit more, and certainly need to do a lot more practical work in advance care directives but this was a peaceful meditation to undertake tonight. I’d highly recommend it. 

An entire family

An act of hate and terrorism took place this past Sunday in London, Ontario. It is horrific, it is devastating. And there are no words that we can say to make things better for the family members who remain, nor the community who suffers from the reality that targeted hatred is always present. No words… only action can assist. Real change. Full stop. 

"Denied the right to grieve"

A message from the Indigenous Health Learning Lodge at McMaster University: 

"As all of Canada bears witness to yet another Indian Residential School related tragedy, the stark evidence-based findings from the Kamloops Residential School convey perhaps, a harsher reality. This is a hard truth that has been affirmed with evidence. A more somber truth perhaps, is that many Indigenous people; parents, grand-parents, aunties and uncles have known for years but nobody was listening. Sadly, the Tk'emlúps te Secwépemc First Nations have had their truth confirmed. 

Many Indigenous families whose children were apprehended by the church or government and told that they will receive an education, often experienced this loss. They often were denied information about their children’s passing, denied the right to grieve and in some cases denied the request to have their bodies returned to them. As parents and grandparents, it is unfathomable to know that for many, they never even knew where they were buried. The inter-generational impact on the well-being of these families, communities and nations is well documented. A litany of truths has been relayed often firsthand by survivors of those schools. Survivors and families who are still with us.

 

There are many more truths about our lives, our ways, our customs and beliefs and our knowledge systems. We can’t demand belief about these truths but we can ask for respect and pedagogical space without the ever-present demand for western based ‘evidence’. As the university aspires to a more inclusive learning environment, this respect for pluralism will have to be reckoned with. We have and will share our own evidence as the reconciliation process continues to unfold. Our Knowledge Helpers and Elders will continue to guide this work.

 

As this new story is circulated in print, in social-media and tv news hours across the country, thoughts and feelingsof shock and revulsion are emerging. Non – Indigenous settlers and Allies may feel uncertain about how to respond. For those who find themselves reflecting in this way, know that the Truth and Reconciliation Commission of Canada expects us all to take part in the reconciliation work. To bear witness to what happened and to take action."

Being denied the right to grieve... heinous.