Words

As professionals, sometimes we like to borrow from others, use trusted phrases, or go with something tried and true. Why reinvent the wheel, right?

When I have spoken on death and grief in a professional context, I have invariably been asked by my peers: "what do YOU write in a condolence card?"... After all, wouldn't it be great to have a cheat sheet?

I've written about this before as well and generally I would say that whatever you write has to be authentic to your relationship. If you have a story about the deceased, you should share it. Stay away from trite platitudes ("he/she is with the Creator now" is not helpful, cannot be defined as being helpful by anyone other than the person grieving). 

Here's another hot tip - its about them, not you... so in the end, the words you use isn't really all that important. 

BUT... I do like to save things that resonate with me, in case I need the words personally some day. In my last post I wrote about Chris Cuomo's show. On that same episode, he shared a quote from US Presidential hopeful Joe Biden. It's an interesting one... does it resonate for you? 

“There will come a day, I promise you, when the thought of your son, or daughter, or your wife or your husband, brings a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eye. It will happen. My prayer for you is that day will come sooner than later.”

― Joe Biden

CNN

My hubby is a bit of a CNN junkie. Last night, he had on Chris Cuomo's show; Cuomo has tested positive for COVID-19 and is broadcasting from his basement.. say what you will about CNN, but this show is really interesting right now.

(Sidenote: the witty banter between Cuomo and his NY Governor brother Andrew Cuomo is worth the price of admission.)

Last night, Cuomo featured the story of a New Jersey ER physician who died from the coronavirus. One of his guests was the heartbroken husband of that physician. It was so tragic to watch.

But Cuomo said something that I wholeheartedly believe - sometimes it is so important to witness other people's grief - to allow the grief space and witness it's enormity.

Sadly, I think that in the weeks to come many of us will have this opportunity.

Most helpful resource

I had a lovely Zoom chat today with a peer who was looking for grief related resources for her team. Professionally, as fundraisers, we interact with a LOT of people, and we agreed that we are so incredibly privileged that people invite us into the intimacy of their lives when thinking about their estate plans.

And right now, the word on the street is that COVID-19 has a lot of people thinking about their estate plans. Now- more than ever- our profession needs to ensure that we don't bring our own baggage into that conversation.

COVID-19 is scary and overwhelming for all of us. Peers, colleagues, & friends: now is the time to face the facts and to put it crudely, deal with our own shit.

Death is real, and cannot be ignored. It is sadly more relevant in the context of the current pandemic: we need to understand how to interact with grief, live with grief, face grief.

I'm so pleased that I can share my most favourite resource here, something I hope will be of help to you as well. Check out Megan Devine - @refugeingrief on Twitter. Megan's book, It's OK That You're NOT OK, has given me so many helpful insights and I refer to it often.


Stay well, stay safe.

Stregrief

I've decided that the world needs a new word right now. Some people are calling what they are feeling "stress" and others are identifying with the word "grief"... I'm calling this out. Right now, I think our collective society is experiencing stregrief.

Articles I have read on grief and those that focus on stress are effectively saying the same thing... and I think that the ways it hits each individual is distinct to each of us. But some of the coping mechanisms may be the same for all of us: do what is right for you (be honest with yourself), don't judge how others are making it through, and don't judge yourself.

https://www.self.com/story/coronavirus-stress

However, this stregrief is manifesting for you, I wish for you some levity, rest, and moments of nonCOVID-19 related news this weekend. Stay well.

Oddities

Is it weird that a worldwide pandemic is what it takes for people to take grief seriously?

The Harvard Business Review interviewed David Kessler for this piece: https://hbr.org/2020/03/that-discomfort-youre-feeling-is-grief?fbclid=IwAR3Te0xaFJX-x5HRZm17k0DDQa5N-oJoC61rtn4mlOMtlaUyleb5WAJrhv0

Listen, I am grateful that people are finally coming around acknowledging the real effects grief can have in the workplace... but can't seem to get over the bizarro nature that this topic took literally  thousands of deaths for people to be ok with speaking about it!

Let's get real - grief sucks.

Kübler-Ross and COVID

Well, blogging took a backseat as COVID-19 became a North American reality... and boy oh boy, what a reality.

In this strange new world, every professional I know is encountering strange new worlds. This is simply uncharted territory - we don't know how long this 'new normal' will be ours. And similar to dealing with grief from a death, the grief that now surrounds us requires patience and clear communication.

Here is a really interesting article that a colleague just sent through our team Slack:

https://www.prdaily.com/how-to-identify-the-stages-of-grief-in-covid-19-messages/

Paraphrasing Brené Brown here: being clear is being kind. Focus on that today in your professional communications - we all need a little more kindness in our world right now.

Practice social distancing without human distancing, friends.
Wishing you good health and high spirits!

Quick and easy

The past month has been a whirlwind with travel, work priorities, and illnesses at home. While I haven't taken time to blog I have continued to comb through, read, and retweet interesting death-related content on Twitter. Two recent posts have led me back here... Two specific tweets to be exact. 

One I will leave for a subsequent post, but the other is a relatively simple way of saying that all we need to do in the face of grief is BE THERE. That's it. Quick and easy. Whether it is in the course of our personal or professional lives, that's all that it will take to make a difference. 

Acknowledge. Be present. 

The exact words of the tweet? 

"When someone dies, be the person in everyone's life who's not afraid to talk about it."

See @YerGoing2Die for this and similar other gems.