Obit 101

I recently had a chat with a fundraising peer who mentioned a piece of advice she received from another one of our peers: Write your own obituary.

While some may deem this as morbid AF, I actually LOVE this advice. And I've been writing... and editing... and obsessing ever since.

It's not an easy task! My hope is that I can have this to a place where it can be easily edited and helps those grieving my death by getting a simple task out of the way. I also hope that it helps bring them some levity, some memories, some solace. A kind of 'last letter' without knowing when my time is up.

It's an interesting exercise to undertake and would highly recommend it.

Here is a starting point:
https://www.funeralbasics.org/write-great-obituary/

Tough talk

A while ago, Dr. Nadine Thornhill  (@NadineThornhill) tweeted that she and her spouse had sat down to have the difficult conversation about what would happen if one of them contracted COVID-19. This has been weighing on me ever since I read her tweets... It was clearly time to have this conversation at my house.

We have a daughter, we have a dog, and we live in a tiny two-bedroom bungalow. Geoff's mom just had major cardiac surgery and lives in London, ON. My parents live in Ottawa. My brother and family live in Milton. My sister and her family live in Ottawa. My best friends live in Ottawa.  You get the picture.

The contingency plan is not really there. We've drawn scary blanks... I'm not sure what we'll do if one of us contracts this virus. I know the stress is especially high for Geoff because he recalls what it was like to be a bystander when I was sick with UC. We both know that the same autoimmune diseases I almost died from in the past make me immunocompromised now.

So we're thinking about it... trying to suss out options. But also trying to be flexible and practical. It isn't an ideal situation, but we're going to try our best to get our ducks in a row.

On the agenda for this weekend - reviewing our living Wills and estate plans. Real talk. It's time.

Death Rituals

This is a great article on why the tragedy in Nova Scotia as well as any loss due to COVID will be especially difficult. Complicated grief is a bitch.

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/10/nyregion/coronavirus-funerals-burials-wakes.html?smtyp=cur&smid=fb-nytimes

Nova Scotia

Canada's deadliest attack. At the time that I write this, 22 confirmed deceased victims. It is unfathomable, shocking, heartbreaking. 

No poetic words, pretty bouquets of flowers, or somber candlelight vigils can make any of this better. It doesn't make sense. It never will. Death doesn't. 

And in in the context of the current pandemic, the complicated grief continues to complicate. Death rituals changed, altered or foregone altogether. It's not fair. Death isn't.

And though it will not help ease any of the pain, my heart is with the families and loved ones of each of the victims. May they find peace and solace. 

https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/nova-scotia-shooting-coronavirus-vigil-1.5538342

Taking breaks

Especially in these crazy times, it is so important to take breaks and be real with ourselves. I struggled last week. I was tired. I didn't do my online yoga classes and I didn't know why I would post anything here if I just wasn't feeling it. So I didn't. And that's ok.

Some things in life we just can't opt out of. I had to parent, I had to wife, I had to work. (although, in reality, I could have easily taken some mental health days off from work duties, and maybe I should have).

Our society doesn't make it all that simple to step away, to give or get space - figuratively of course... literal space is very encouraged these days.

How can we live life to our fullest by taking steps back? I'm starting by endeavouring to give myself permission.

In grief and in complicated times like these, I that that's what we need.

REPOST: Ball in a Box

I've been thinking a lot about two theories on grief that have resonated with me. The first was the Ring Theory, which I shared again yesterday. Today I am reposting a blog post I wrote in May 2019 after seeing this theory on Twitter:

I recently saw a post on Twitter that detailed an analogy that apparently went viral. I had never heard of the analogy and when I read it my mind was blown. It works perfectly. Apparently the original post was inspired by advice the Twitter user (@LaurenHerschel) received from her doctor. 

The theory goes a little like this - when someone close to you dies, the grief is like a ball within a box. Inside the box there is also a pain button. So with nowhere to go inside the box and the grief ball being very large at the onset, it bounces against the pain button almost constantly. The grief ball hits the pain button and you are sad, bereft, overcome with grief. 

But, as time passes, the grief ball shrinks slightly in size. As the ball shrinks, it bounces more freely in the box. The grief ball may bounce dangerously close to the pain button, but doesn't hit it as regularly as when the grief ball was full-sized. 

The catch is that when the grief ball is small, (because it will never be non-existent), it can hit the pain button without warning. No amount of planning or preparation can warn you for when the pain button gets hit... and when it does get pushed, it can feel the same. As if the full-sized grief ball has hit it. The only difference is that it catches the griever off guard. 

In our everyday lives, it is entirely possible that we are interacting with people whose grief ball is bouncing dangerously close to the pain button. How do we ensure we're ready to support when the griever themselves may not be ready for when the pain hits? 

Comfort in, dump out

In preparatory thinking about how to support peers, clients, donors, and colleagues should grief come knocking at their door in the course of this pandemic, I have been thinking about some resources that I have found useful. This one is perhaps the most relevant one. 

The Ring Theory was original written as an op-ed in at the LA Times (https://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-xpm-2013-apr-07-la-oe-0407-silk-ring-theory-20130407-story.html) and since then has been used in a few different contexts (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/promoting-hope-preventing-suicide/201705/ring-theory-helps-us-bring-comfort-in).

Short version - if you are grieving/afflicted, draw a circle - you are that circle. Your grief or your reactions are about you; it is yours. 

Those around you make up the rings encircling you - it is not about them, but they too may need support. 

The theory is comfort in, dump out. The person in the circle, at the middle, gets nothing but support. It is the job of those on the surrounding rings to stick to the rule. Bring nothing but comfort to those more central to the grief, and if they are requiring support themselves, they must seek that outwardly to a more distant ring. 

It's all subjective of course, but I'd encourage you to try to think about where you are during the coming days, weeks, months... 

Better than Amazon

As humans, when trying to demonstrate empathy, sometimes we may feel that we want to send something to a family member, friend, peer, client, or colleague.

This morning on LinkedIn, I heard about an awesome store that was started by 4 widowed women - a wellness store in Toronto. Amazing. I wish I had the opportunity to visit the shop in person, but due to the current situation that's obviously not possible. This said, their online shop is open for business... I'll be making an order and wanted to share the link for anyone else wanting to send a little empathy.

Visit lostandfoundto.com

Burnout

Anyone else feeling that isolation and the gravity of this pandemic is cutting a bit deeper this week? Just me?

This week seems to be hitting me hard. I'm feeling spent, burnt out. COVID-19 hasn't touched me personally at this point, but the news cycle seems a little more dire, a little more hopeless.

This article may outline what is to blame - empathic distress (as the author describes it, emotional quicksand which can be overwhelming).

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/science-made-practical/201911/how-avoid-empathy-burnout

Empathic concern, on the other hand, is a healthier, 'other-focused' empathy. Empathy with an action plan, motivating us to try to make things better.

So, time for me to reframe, and set myself about ways to help those grieving, those hurting, or those just generally having a rough time.

While we all need to be settling into empathy right now, don't forget to take care of yourselves.

Pressing pause

I read a fascinating and personal account this morning of how one individual is coping with her grief during COVID-19 isolation. Read it here: https://metro.co.uk/2020/04/05/cope-grief-coronavirus-lockdown-12508673/ (and if you have read my previous post, I did immediately send this to my neighbour as it echoes a lot of what she was saying about her own experience).

Although the author's methods for dealing with her grief are unique to her and may not resonate for all, one thing she mentions in this article is how she feels she needs to press pause on her grief until this COVID reality is a thing of the past.

It's an interesting concept. How many other things are being paused in our lives right now? And what will a pause on grief lead to in our post-pandemic lives. It's a tough one. But with everything so out of whack at the moment, it may be what grievers need.

For those of us around them, how can we be grief-allies and allow grievers to be able to press pause if that's what they choose?

Grief in the time of COVID

My neighbour's mom just died. I don't believe her death was COVID-related, but my neighbour opened up to me that this experience has her reflecting on the importance of rituals. 

We've all seen a few social media posts about weddings that have gone ahead with limited guests, or funerals with only one or two mourners... but what is the long-term impact of the normally social rituals having to change so drastically? Specific to grief - what does the loss of death rituals mean for those who are experiencing grief? 

And in a professional context, what does grief look like in a remote-work environment? How do we support a peer, employee, or supervisor dealing with grief without the standard rituals by which to frame these? The longer that this pandemic continues, this too will have to be revised and redefined. The more deaths that happen while we're all isolated will mean we have to call on compassion and empathy in ways we've never imagined... it's time to get creative. 

Stay well, friends. 

Words

As professionals, sometimes we like to borrow from others, use trusted phrases, or go with something tried and true. Why reinvent the wheel, right?

When I have spoken on death and grief in a professional context, I have invariably been asked by my peers: "what do YOU write in a condolence card?"... After all, wouldn't it be great to have a cheat sheet?

I've written about this before as well and generally I would say that whatever you write has to be authentic to your relationship. If you have a story about the deceased, you should share it. Stay away from trite platitudes ("he/she is with the Creator now" is not helpful, cannot be defined as being helpful by anyone other than the person grieving). 

Here's another hot tip - its about them, not you... so in the end, the words you use isn't really all that important. 

BUT... I do like to save things that resonate with me, in case I need the words personally some day. In my last post I wrote about Chris Cuomo's show. On that same episode, he shared a quote from US Presidential hopeful Joe Biden. It's an interesting one... does it resonate for you? 

“There will come a day, I promise you, when the thought of your son, or daughter, or your wife or your husband, brings a smile to your lips before it brings a tear to your eye. It will happen. My prayer for you is that day will come sooner than later.”

― Joe Biden

CNN

My hubby is a bit of a CNN junkie. Last night, he had on Chris Cuomo's show; Cuomo has tested positive for COVID-19 and is broadcasting from his basement.. say what you will about CNN, but this show is really interesting right now.

(Sidenote: the witty banter between Cuomo and his NY Governor brother Andrew Cuomo is worth the price of admission.)

Last night, Cuomo featured the story of a New Jersey ER physician who died from the coronavirus. One of his guests was the heartbroken husband of that physician. It was so tragic to watch.

But Cuomo said something that I wholeheartedly believe - sometimes it is so important to witness other people's grief - to allow the grief space and witness it's enormity.

Sadly, I think that in the weeks to come many of us will have this opportunity.

Most helpful resource

I had a lovely Zoom chat today with a peer who was looking for grief related resources for her team. Professionally, as fundraisers, we interact with a LOT of people, and we agreed that we are so incredibly privileged that people invite us into the intimacy of their lives when thinking about their estate plans.

And right now, the word on the street is that COVID-19 has a lot of people thinking about their estate plans. Now- more than ever- our profession needs to ensure that we don't bring our own baggage into that conversation.

COVID-19 is scary and overwhelming for all of us. Peers, colleagues, & friends: now is the time to face the facts and to put it crudely, deal with our own shit.

Death is real, and cannot be ignored. It is sadly more relevant in the context of the current pandemic: we need to understand how to interact with grief, live with grief, face grief.

I'm so pleased that I can share my most favourite resource here, something I hope will be of help to you as well. Check out Megan Devine - @refugeingrief on Twitter. Megan's book, It's OK That You're NOT OK, has given me so many helpful insights and I refer to it often.


Stay well, stay safe.